Football 1101: The Basics For Women

by Brandon "BKP" Plowden

I want to attempt to help women understand the nature of the sport of football in the most basic aspects accompanied by a hint of real life relevance/humor. Too often do women moan, groan, complain, and gripe about the fellas getting together to watch a sport that she cant seem to catch on to, so I feel that if you understand it more you will eventually learn to like it. With that idea in mind I have created the basic guidelines of what certain terms mean, who does what on the field, and the course of actions that take place during game time. First up lets start with the players:

* Each team can only field 11 players at a time on both offense and defense (substitutions are allowed).

Offense-

• Quarterback {QB}: the team leader. The most important person on the field. He controls the entire game from the snap of the ball, directs the players on the play, and is the main signal caller from start to finish. Depending on how good he is will depend on how good your team does. (the vocal leader of the team. Usually a smart well put together dude. He’s also referred to as the arrogant dude or the douche bag, i.e- Chris Rix, Ryan Leaf, Brady Quinn, or Jamarcus Russell all douche bags)

• Running back/Half back/Tail back or Fullback {RB, HB, TB, FB}- the ball carrier responsible for running the ball across the line of scrimmage (the line that the ball is hiked from). The fullback is in front of the running back (RB) in certain formations. He mainly does a lot of blocking and is a little heavier in weight than a RB. The RB stands 5 yards behind the QB when he’s under center or right next to the QB when he’s in shotgun formation, while the FB stands about 3 yards from the line of scrimmage. (muscular dude with good speed and is probably that cat on your Facebook or Myspace page taking pics of himself on his camera phone with his shirt off. He also could have the “short man” syndrome. So short you can see his feet in his drivers license picture)

• Wide Receiver {WR, Flanker, Slot back, Slot receiver, Split end}- runs down the field to catch the ball from the QB. They are the only players able to catch a forward pass because only players positioned on the end of the line or in the backfield are allowed to catch forward passes. (Flashy cats that talk a lot of smack. Has the most confidence on the field).

• Tight End {TE}- mainly a tall muscular player that does both blocking and catching. He is able to catch the ball because he is at the end of the line when the ball is snapped. (probably used to play defense and switched over to offense to catch passes. He also may be a former basketball player, mainly a former SG, SF, or PF).

• Offensive Tackle, Offensive Guard, and Center {OG, NG, T, C}- better known as the offensive line or the large guys in front of the QB They are responsible for protecting the QB from the defenders. The Guards lead the way for the RB on running plays, and the Center hikes the ball to the QB and is the main blocker in the middle. (the tall fat dude. Usually about 6’4 300 pounds and lacks a mean edge and always wears knee braces).

• Place Kicker, Punter {PK, K, P}- the individual that kicks the ball through the field goal post for points[PK]. The Punter [P]

Defense:

• Cornerback/Defensive Back {CB, DB}- responsible for keeping the ball away from the WR. (he too engages in the same off field activity as a RB. See desciption above).

• Defensive End {DE}- Responsible for rushing the QB and protecting any runs that come to the outside being that he is on the end of the defensive line. (the former basketball player that probably wasnt good enough in bball so football was his way to shine. Could also be the bouncer at the club or your neighborhood doughnut eating police officer).

• Defensive Tackle {DT}- the pass rusher and run stopper. Positioned next to the DE and he too is responsible for rushing the QB and trying to break up the offensive play. Could be 1 or 2 of these on the field at a time, depends on the type of play. (You may call him a “playa hater” in the streets or he may be the bouncer at the club you like to go to on Friday nights. Could also be your neighborhood police officer or correctional facility officer, i.e-Rick Ross. Many of them have the Ike Turner mentality and may have a criminal record of assault and battery charges).

• Linebacker {LB}- responsible for reading the play and monitoring the QB’s eyes to see if he can depict what he is about to do. He stops the run if it advances past the line of scrimmage and also tries to keep the ball away from the WR or anyone that comes across the middle. There could be 3 or 4 of these on the field at one time, but never more than 4. (He also is referred to as a mule slapper. Usually a dude that’s well respected and will be the last person anyone will rub the wrong way. * See running back description to identify what this guys other activities may be).

• Free Safety, Strong Safety {FS, SS}- also reads the QB eyes to see the play develop. He roams the field to help the cornerback in the event he loses the WR. Creating interceptions *(to be defined later) and helping the cornerback are his main tasks. (cool, athletic dudes that probably play more than one sport. They just like to kick it and get crunk when needed).

Now on to a brief list of terms that you may hear throughout the course of a game:

Holding: self explanatory. When a player holds another player in an attempt to keep him from making a play on the ball.

Equivalence- When you deposit a check in the bank and they hold it, thus keeping you from making important purchases.

Fumble: anyone with the ball in their hands can “fumble” the ball. The ball is hiked from the player in the center position to the QB. The exchange can be mishandled causing the ball to fall to the ground, hence the creation of a fumble. A fumble can also occur with a bad exchange from the QB to the RB (running back as mentioned earlier), or it can also occur when a WR catches a pass and the ball is exposed and not securely gripped in his hands which leads to a potential fumble when he’s tackled.

Equivalence- When you’re involved in the act of sex and during the course of action we as men are pumping and running during the “play” trying to get that “touchdown”, when all of a sudden one hard thrust causes the condom to break leading to massive spillage which would be equivalent to a “fumble”. (Also known as a “oh shit” moment)

False Start: a player that is lined up on the line of scrimmage moves or flinches before the ball is snapped. The only persons allowed to move on the offensive side before the ball is snapped are the TE (tight end), RB (running back), WR (wide receiver) or the QB.

Equivalence- when you experience an unexpected “quickie”= FALSE START!

Flag on the Play (yellow handkerchief): this is a yellow flag thrown by the referee when an illegal infraction occurs. Penalties can range from roughing the passer, chop blocks, illegal formations, delay of game, unnecessary roughness, block in the back, false start, offsides, or illegal man down field.

Equivalence- When a man calls you out of your name= FLAG ON THE PLAY!

- When your baby daddy forgets to send the child support check= FLAG ON THE PLAY!

- When you scratch your weave and a track falls out= FLAG ON THE PLAY!

-If you wear body magic and we can clearly tell or see it= FLAG ON THE PLAY!

- A Morehouse man in womens clothing= MULTIPLE FLAGS ON THE PLAY!

Offsides: When a player crosses the line of scrimmage before the ball is snapped. This can occur on both offense and defense.

Equivalence- seeing someone you like and/or are attracted to only to later find out that they’re gay. OFFSIDES buddy!

Interception: occurs when the defensive player takes the ball away in mid air during the QB’s pass attempt.

Equivalence- You notice me noticing you from across the room, we catch eye contact, you play hard to get, then right before you begin to let up and make your advance towards me another girl swoops in to grab my hand and my attention, thus causing an interception.

Touchdown {TD}: when the player with the ball advances it across the white plain for 6 points (the total worth of a TD). An extra point is then allowed in the form of 1 point or 2 points depending on the circumstances in the game.

Equivalence- 2 dikes that look Christina Milian like, that are both down for the pound= touchdown!

(Picture of Christina Milian)

This concludes the basics of Football 1101 for Women and I hope this brief lesson will help you to foster better relationships with the men in your circle. As always, if you need to gain more understanding just ask the nearest guy next to you and Im sure he will “fill you in”. Til then, enjoy the games with a coke and a smile (and dont forget that you’re still in charge of making the sandwiches). Be eaaaaaasy!